My new blog site is up and running! It’s still under construction with kinks to work out, and my forest of links has not yet been ported over there, but the doors are open for business.
Why the change? Well, I’ve been wanting to make the move for a while now, because a self-hosted blog has many advantages over this free platform, Continue reading
On the new blog at kinkylittlegirl.net, also known as http://abuseandbdsm.com:
A great repost from a Fetlifer on how to avoid being the douchebag this blog warns people to watch out for. You can read it on the new version of this blog.
Please subscribe while you’re there!
And thanks for understanding and being patient with the redirects as I get things moved over.
The epidemic of domestic violence and sexual assault has got to stop – and the taboos that drive victims underground and silence them have simply got to be broken, no matter the cost that some of us will pay to make things change.
I just got the news that a close friend of a high school classmate just lost her daughter to an abusive husband who stabbed her to death and then turned a shotgun on his own self in Hurricane, West Virgina, reported in their local paper.
And another friend, seriously injured and then dumped by her ex who refused to take responsibility for fracturing her hyoid bone and causing a thyroglossal duct tumor complication that subsequently resulted in extensive surgery that removed, among other structures, a chunk of her tongue, is now having to deal with this self-same ex nonconsensually trumpeting his innocence all over the Fetlife airwaves – and exposing all kinds of private personal and professional information about her. The injury was caused by nonconsensual garotting of her until she was unconscious – and she’s got plenty of medical and other documentation. She says he has also threatened to out her with compromising pictures to her employer – which would undoubtedly result in her losing her job.
Speaking out against domestic violence, whether vanilla or kinky, and whether your own or that of another, has a price. Any price at all is too high, but we have got to stand together and make whatever sacrifices we must to ensure the safety of all, especially women, whose voices have far too often been silenced about too many things, especially our rights to control our own bodies and be free from this sort of threat and coercion.
I am at least encouraged to see the increasing number of people posting online about their experiences, coming out of the closet, if you will, refusing to let their abusers cowe them into silence any more, refusing to continue to protect them the way the silence and taboos have done for as long as I can remember.
The problem survives at least in part because of the silence. Perpetrators know they can get away with whatever they do because their victims are often too afraid of them to even report their own assaults, and because they are so seldom prosecuted when they do come to light.
Speak up, speak out – and listen to understand when someone you know tells you they are a victim of domestic violence, even when it’s cloaked in the armor of D/s. Help the person get help – do not judge them.
Other than yourself, if you are a victim, the person you save might be your own best friend. She will certainly be the best friend (and daughter, mother, etc.) of someone else.
Why do those of us who are abused have to change everything, why are our abusers believed and not us? Why are the victims of abuse so often revictimized repeatedly by the courts and everyone else?
New post up at kinkylittlegirl.net
I’ve got a new blog post up on the new version of my site at kinkylittlegirl.net about abusers blaming their victims of lying when they speak out about what happened to them.
Please visit over there to read it and comment; comments are closed here.
Test, test, to see if this comes through on Twitter and the new Abuse and BDSM page on Facebook.
“What is a sociopath?
“Someone without conscience, empathy, or remorse for having harmed someone by their words or deeds. They live to suit themselves and use people in the power games that form the core of their lives. These people are often diagnosed as having Antisocial Personality Disorder (Stout, 2005).” -Ponygroom
Ponygroom has written a very nice piece about sociopaths in the scene, complete with a very good list of books about the subject. You can read his post and the subsequent comments in a thread in the group of the same name on Fetlife at https://fetlife.com/groups/45394/group_posts/2350167.
As I pointed out in a comment there, this is only one way in which abuse can manifest itself, and the article is not complete in terms of what constitutes a sociopath, nor do the examples provide a particularly complete picture, but between the article itself and some of the other comments, it’s a good start on one of the more common patterns that underlie abusive behavior. At some point, I may go into more detail, but I don’t have the energy right now.
Bottom line – sociopaths don’t care about you, no matter what they say, even if they are the type who will at least apologize for harming you when they see that it is in their better interest to do so. Most simply won’t apologize at times you’d expect a normal person to do so – and they won’t apologize for not apologizing if you call them on it, either. If they do, it will be obviously insincere.
Get out once you identify this kind of pattern going on, because nothing is ever going to change.
These people are snakes of the first water, and you will absolutely never win trying to negotiate with them. They will twist and distort everything you say, and change their own stories time and time again, and even go out of their way to make you think that you are the crazy one (gaslighting), to the point that you will end up apologizing to them when they have hurt you!
Another little trick they often play is warning others about how you may be lying about them and their behavior – another little device to undermine you and pull the support over to their side.
If you know someone (A) who has been abused, and the person they accuse (B) starts telling you things like you are going to start hearing lies from (A) about (B), think twice before believing (B).
This is an absolutely classic technique for undermining a victim and turning people against her. Chances are extremely good that this person is in fact the abuser they are accused of being, mounting an offensive in advance, in an attempt to discredit his victim, before he can be busted, which he knows darn well is coming. He knows he will end up looking really bad (and rightfully so) unless he can discredit her first, before she gets to their friends.
I’m not talking about people who, in the course of a normal conversation about the subject, may disclose that their ex has been spreading lies about them, but particularly about the ones who actually go out of their way to make this kind of announcement, possibly even in public, often in the absence of any reasonable context.
By David Kelly, Special to The Times
Reporting from Cleveland— Inside a stuffy Cleveland classroom, Tim Boehnlein explained the mechanics of domestic violence and then posed a question.
"So why do women stay?" he asked his class of would-be counselors.
Ignorance, low self-esteem, lack of education, they speculated. No one really knew.
Except maybe the silent woman in back — the one fidgeting and looking at the floor.
3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don’t get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies
4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for ‘sado-maso’ sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.
5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don’t take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.
6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a ‘chip-on-his-shoulder’ attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to ‘get it over with’. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others. Defense Strategy: Don’t antagonize or tip your hand you’re leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.
7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people’s money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.Defense Strategy: Know the ‘nature of the beast’. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don’t bail him out.
8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.Defense Strategy: Don’t sink to his level. Say No.
9. OUR “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a “new perfect soul mate”. He is an opportunistic parasite. Our “Knight in Shining Armor” has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy. Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and “If he seems too good to be true…” Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.
10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,
11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He’ll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people’s assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie. Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a “No Contact’ rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don’t allow thoughts of his past ‘good guy’ image to lessen the reality of his disorder.
12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so. Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don’t take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.
13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.
14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark. Defense Strategy: Don’t get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.
15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment. Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.
16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his ‘toys’, his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend – to those outside his home. Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with ‘supply’ to avert problems.
17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.
18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. “Hang ‘em high” he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals. Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.
19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may ‘slip up’ revealing his nature saying “You need to protect yourself around me” or “Watch out, you never know what I’m up to.” We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning. Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.
20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says “I’ve behaved horribly, I’ll change, I love you, I’ll go for therapy.” Appears to ‘come clean’ admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard “Fool me once…” We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.
