Having a D/s Relationship – Why She Wants to Be Submissive


I did not write this, but found it out in the blogosphere.  Apparently it’s going around, but it is not known who wrote it.  I don’t agree with every single point, but for the most part, it rings true, and is full of excellent ideas on how to create a successful – and mutually fulfilling – D/s relationship.

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HAVING A D/S RELATIONSHIP

Like all my writings, this is more for myself than anyone else. Dominance and submission (D/s) has always been a part of my life, both my greatest torment when not understood by either myself and those I shared my thoughts with, and finally the source of greatest contentment and pride when I finally realized how beautiful and loving an exchange it is.
In a way, it is impossible to describe or explain it to another unless that person has the creativity and capacity to see its full potential to draw two people so close together that *everything* they have inside of them can be revealed and that is when they can be loved unconditionally and completely.

The only rule to d/s is that there are no rules. What each sub wants is different and takes varying forms. I am writing this with a particular sub in mind, and that is the kind of woman who is so full of love that she longs to give herself unreservedly to her Master. It is written for those women who want to be a full-time slavegirl, who enjoy the sensual pleasures of being spanked (and more!) and who want to be disciplined when they do not meet their own personal goals and the guidelines for behavior set by their Master.

WHY SHE WANTS TO BE SUBMISSIVE
The Importance of Submission
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In my conversations with submissive women, one thing stands out prominently and that is very very few men realize the importance that submission holds for her. It is far more than a physical experience, it is an emotional connection with you so meaningful that it contains her very soul.
Though d/s is often very light and spontaneous and sometimes treated as a special sensual playtime, for her it is what is most real in her life. It is NOT a game. To treat it as such is to do her a great injustice for it trivializes her greatest expression of love.

Not all women want to be a 24/7 slavegirl. This manual is written for to the man luckily enough to have found a woman who does. In it I will try and express as many of her submissive feelings as I can and to give you ideas on how to treat her so she feels that being your slave is an intrinsic and natural part of her daily life with you, just as much as it has already been an intrinsic element of her being.

Submission is Erotic
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Before I get lost in some of the reasons why being submissive is such a powerful desire, I want to make the point that being submissive is extremely erotic. It touches her sexuality in the most powerful way and when combined with all the mental, emotional and physical aspects of a relationship, it can often be the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience a woman can ever have.
In fact, many women have confided in me that they are afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy. They fear they should they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a slavegirl they will not be understood. Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement. As her Master, it should be your pleasure to extract each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.

When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion, to take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for. She is depending on you, her Master, to give her the push to get beyond any resistance you may encounter.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a dom is essential. If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself. She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone. As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

Though changing rapidly, most women have been raised to be ashamed of their sexual feelings. Being with a dom who treasures a woman’s natural sexuality enough to go far beyond where most stop is an extremely liberating experience for her. It also touches upon her desire to be able to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing her falsely imposed conditioning. Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the dom wants her to.

As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you. From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy. It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally…

Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her. If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it. “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself. If you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her. In this way you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.

Being Taken Care of
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“I always found the d/s articles to be the most exciting. I found the men – their strength and command – highly erotic. I thought that being that “taken care of” must have been the most wonderful thing in the world. The doms I talk to are forever asking me about this, I always tell them it’s not the ritual (though I like the ritual) or the punishment that I’m looking for, it’s the freedom to not have to be in control, to not have responsibility. I guess that’s because, in most of my social circles, I’m the person who’s expected to have all the answers.”
A woman wants a man to be strong and to protect and watch over her. She wants to be able to relax in the safety of his arms and the world that he creates for her. If you can do that for a woman, you will see something inside her blossom and grow, and you will marvel at the treasure you have discovered that was always inside her but which she never felt safe to reveal, so afraid was she that it would not be appreciated for the incredible gift which it is.

Knowing she has your Love and Care and Attention
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Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself. If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined. When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening. The first is that you care enough for her to correct her. It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself. If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you.
If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed. You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention. This lack of attention may touch many emotions in her going back to her childhood years…

This is an area where the formality of the d/s roles can enhance a relationship in incredible ways. As the dom, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you. If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything. The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be.

Stripping away the Pretenses
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“The real experience, seems to me to be when the dom and the sub (each in his or her own way) reveal themselves to each other completely with total trust that they will be accepted EXACTLY where they are at. We do not have the right to expect our person to admire every single trait of ours, but we do have a right to unconditional love.
“We can find people who are pretending they are someone other than who they are anywhere, the whole point of d/s is to strip away the pretense, the little secrets about ourselves that we are convinced that nobody could ever love us if they knew about.”

The following short exchange that may give you a better idea of how the exchange of power and her trust in you lets you find her true essence:

Me: It’s all an exchange of power. The sub has lots of control, but the thrill is in giving that up in order to go new places inside herself.

Her: Honestly…I don’t believe that in good d/s relationship that the sub is in control. My Master taught me that he could make me want things that I swore, initially that I had no interest in wanting. He really did control me, because he found the me I couldn’t always find myself.

A Transition to the other side of Oneself
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One marvelous aspect of submission is that it is a wonderful way to escape from yourself. The transition to that other side of your personality can be very exciting and sometimes difficult, but that’s part of the thrill.
During the day different aspects of our personality come into the forefront as we move from one role to another. For example, there may be a big difference in one’s personality at work as compared to home. Keeping up these roles requires a large amount of psychic energy which over time can become exhausted. On of the great attractions to d/s is this balancing of energy by experiencing the opposite role.

At work, your sub may be very powerful and dominant and carrying a great deal of responsibility. Being a mother at home is tremendously demanding and requires a great deal of energy in caring for and supervising the children. If she has spent her day instructing and inspecting others, she may crave the transition from that position of authority to one of servitude. When she can become your slavegirl, she gets a relaxing respite from the stresses of her life. She can renew herself by once again becoming a little girl who is loved and looked after. Instead of having to cope with the stress of making decisions she can surrender to you and do exactly as she is told knowing she is safe in your care.

BEING A MASTER
If you truly want to be a Master, you will do everything in your power to enable your woman to be who she really is, and that is a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it.
Few men deserve the title of Master and part of what it takes is a true love of women and an appreciation of their intelligence, sensuality and passion for life, and then to have the strength and confidence to bring out the best in her. Please, if you love her, make her life as your slave as complete and as real as you can.

She cannot be Submissive if you are not Dominant
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One thing of PARAMOUNT importance is that your slavegirl feel that she is truly being controlled and is acting on *your* commands, and is subject to *your* whims. If she feels your actions are for her alone, she will feel in control of the situation and this is exactly what she does NOT want to feel. In order for her to be submissive, YOU must be in charge of her in a very real and definite way.
Remember that this manual is written for the sub who wants her submission to be a daily part of her life and the more she feels she is under your control and care, the happier a slavegirl she will be. It is very confusing for her if your control is just within the context of a scene and does not carry over into the rest of your relationship. It will help if you think of your control as being an integral part of your relationship rather than an “imposition” on her. The more you see her enthusiasm and gratitude in response to your actions, the easier it will become for you.

Never forget that her desire to please her Master is an essential element of her submission. Though you both know she loves to have the experiences you are giving her, she MUST feel that it’s for your pleasure equally, if not more than her own. Being submissive is her gift to you, a way of pleasing you as completely as possible. If she thinks your control of her is only for *her*, it just doesn’t work. She wants to be your slave, to feel she has no choice in what she is subjected to and this REALITY regarding her submission is tremendously thrilling for her.

Recognizing her efforts to Please
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“The most “protected and cared for” I ever felt was when my dom called me “princess” (I wonder if that is something going back to childhood…)”
If there is one single-most favorite phrase a submissive woman wants to hear, it is “Good Girl”. She wants and needs to have her efforts to please you acknowledged. It is very difficult for men to understand that pleasing the man she loves is to her one of the greatest pleasures in her life. It is an emotional fulfillment so deep that it goes far beyond any sexual expression. By giving her your praise as frequently as possible you are confirming that you recognize and appreciate her for who she is and for the love she has to give you.

Difficulty in Asking
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You must take the initiative with her. If she has to “ask” you to control her, it once again puts her in charge and does not allow her to feel submissive. As a Master, you get to indulge yourself in what *you* want! Give yourself permission to act on your whim of the moment. Believe me, to a sub, this is when it all becomes very real and meaningful to her. There will be no doubt in her mind that you want her for *yourself* and whether or not she enjoys it is secondary. Only in this way can she feel that she truly belongs to you and is there to serve you.
If you are going to experiment in taking charge, err on the side of being more controlling than less. I can’t tell you how many women I have complained that their Masters don’t give them the control and supervision they crave. Remember, your control is a demonstration of taking care of her and your discipline is proof that you are paying attention and will insist she does what is best for herself.

How to make her feel Owned
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The feeling of being owned is one of the most secure and desired feelings a sub can have. She wants to be reminded at all times that you are in control of her and that she is safe and watched over under your command. She *wants* you to be strong for her, so she can grow under your care and guidance. Think for a moment of the potential your relationship with a woman who loves and trusts you so much that she wants to be *owned* by you… What closer bond can you have?
There are many ways to make her feel that she belongs to you and I will share with you some of my favorites. Ask her often, “Who do you belong to?” Not only does this strengthen the depth of your relationship but many women have told me it is very erotic for them to be told to touch and name different parts of their body and then tell you it belongs to you.

Here’s a quote that will make this clearer: “Personally I *love* it when various parts of my anatomy are called upon. For example, during a spanking, I like to be reminded that this is Master’s bottom and he can do as he wishes with it.”

How you address each other can also be confirmation of your roles. For example, calling her by a pet name can indicate your position of authority while requiring her refer to you with some title of respect such as Sir or Master further emphasizes her submission. Being “owned” is a total experience. It means she is subject to your whims at any time and no reason is necessary beyond the fact it is something you want. For her, there is great excitement and anticipation in being used for your pleasure and never knowing what your next command or task may be. She may be fully clothed and busy one moment and naked and kneeling before you the next….

The importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind
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A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness. Listen to the quality of her voice change the moment she knows you are actively controlling her. You may find it grows softer and quieter as she lets slip away the more assertive aspects of her personality, showing you that vulnerable young girl within. It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal. This state of deep submission is sometimes refereed to as subspace. It is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her.
You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual. Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.

Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive head space. It let’s her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her. Try telling her firmly to be in your study at a certain time without saying why. In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she’ll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things. Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it. See how this works?

There are an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive. Position and symbology play a great part. Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar. A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love and commitment and should be treated with great respect. When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her. It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.

Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.

I like to enhance her state of submission by the use of a unique perfume. Have her wear it each time you have a special scene with her. In this way, the scent becomes identified with her submission and the next time she smells it, she will be more easily transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.

Attention to Detail
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Your attention to detail is important. You know what you want her to do and it’s important that you communicate that clearly to her. Beyond that, it has several other purposes. Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her every day thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her. As her Master, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats. This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.

EROTIC PAIN
Erotic pain is something that is very difficult to explain unless there is something inside of you that draws you toward it. Many subs crave it, it settles them down. I’m sure you know many endorphins are released in the body when it is “stressed” during a spanking or more intense activities such as a whipping or caning. It is a form of “high” that can be very addicting. So be warned *g*
I have noticed many connections between subspace and hypnosis, and you may find that she becomes very open to your suggestions. After all, she loves and trusts you, is completely focused upon your every word, knows not to resist (and doesn’t want to) and, in addition, you are taking her out of her critically thinking mind and putting her back into her body. Much of the erotic pain that is involved in d/s serves to shut down her actively thinking mind so she is free to feel and respond spontaneously and that is where much of the freedom in submission can be found.

The following quote illustrates this very well:
“When you are in pain….your focus, your awareness…becomes focused on sensation. I have a very busy mind….always ruminating over one thing or another… The pain allows me to focus on sensation and really release myself from the world. This is only one aspect…but an important one. The pain stimulus does wonders too. My physical reactions… arousal, is spurred immediately by the slap of a paddle or the pinch of a clamp.

Let’s get into this a little deeper… How can “pain” be erotic? How can something that “hurts” be desirable? After all, don’t we spend much of our time and energy in avoiding pain?

To answer this apparent contradiction, you need to explore the word “pain”. It’s really not the right word… When you label something with a word, the mind has a tendency to stop right there and not look further. One thing that I love about d/s is it lets you explore feelings and sensations in great depth and safety that most people run away from.

Pain has a negative connotation and we all think of it as undesirable. The word “erotic” is often put in front of the word pain to indicate that the sting of a paddle is a sensation very much desired and is quite different than stubbing your toe! How the sensation is perceived depends on many conditions: the intensity of the sensation, its location on the body, the degree of sexual arousal, and the subs mental/emotional state of mind at the time.

A pleasure spanking
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We’ll explore “erotic pain” a bit more with the example of a pleasure spanking. Let’s start with a woman’s bare bottom over your lap –nice image, right? *g* You could start with simply caressing her bottom with your hand, stroking it softly to sensitize the area, allowing her to relax and place her attention there. This helps her let go of her thoughts and settle into her body and all the wonderful sensations that it can give her.
The caressing alone should be arousing, but the position of being naked and over your lap also puts her in a submissive state of mind. Feeling that she is being controlled by you is essential in enabling her to “stay” with the sensations she will be receiving, to absorb it without mentally “running away”.

Your stroking and caresses now turn into *light* hand spanks given in a regular rhythm over her cheeks. Is this “painful”? Nope, not in the slightest — it feels *good* — and is just a slightly stronger sensation than being caressed by your hand. However, one important element is being added… she is now being “spanked” and that word alone can have an incredible sexual charge for her. She’s no longer a woman who has to be in charge of the multitude of demands on her, but is now under your control. YOU are taking care of *her*. All responsibilities have been removed from her and she can start to let go of herself to just *feel* the sensations you are creating.

More thoughts on Spankings
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Spankings in themselves are a fascinating study. They contain so many different and apparently contradictory emotions that it is difficult to sort them all out. Your first thoughts about spankings are probably connected to your childhood years, and if you reflect back for a moment childhood memories and emotions seem somehow bigger than life.
The following list of emotions connected to spankings all relate directly to what a sub *wants* to feel with her Master. There is a feeling of helplessness, of having no choice but to place herself over your lap. Her dress lifted out of the way and her panties pulled down so she is exposed to you. There’s also a feeling of embarrassment… here she is an adult, still being treated as a child…

During the spanking you are emphasizing that you are in control and she is accepting it. In fact, the harder the spanking is, the more your both feel your roles. If you are spanking her for a reason, you are demonstrating that you care enough about her to watch over her and correct her and she knows that when the spanking ends, all will be over and forgotten so she can give herself permission to drop her own thoughts over her behavior and use the spanking as a motivation to improve herself in the future.

Okay, back to the pleasure spanking again. As she is laying across your lap enjoying the light spanks and feeling of being submissive, what she is probably wanting at this point is for you to start spanking harder! As her bottom gets warmed up, the more used to the sensation she becomes. It now loses its initial intensity which increases the desire to feel something a bit stronger.

At this point as a Master, you can allow yourself to enjoy the power over her that she wants to give you. You can give yourself permission to spank harder thus emphasizing that you are the one in control and can do to her exactly as you please — which is very much what she wants to feel as a submissive.

Now the spanks become harder but she is ready for them and has been waiting for you to take her to the next level of sensation. If you reach one hand underneath her and place a finger on each side of her clit, you can continue to spank her and simultaneously give her more direct sexual pleasure. The more aroused she becomes, the more her perception of the sting will change and become transformed into that delicious combination of pleasure/pain that we love so much. (Again, it’s still not pain but I have no better word.)

At this point, I’m sure you’ll find her squirming over your lap. Is she quivering from the sting or from the pleasure? Good questions, isn’t it? The answer is that they both compliment each other, each sensation allowing her to more enjoy the other.

Many women can actually be spanked to a climax this way. The trick is to keep escalating her sexual arousal and then to take the spanking to the next level of sensation as she is ready to handle it. A spanking given in this way is a *peak* experience and one that becomes very addicting, especially if it results in a strong climax. Don’t put any pressure on yourself or her to create a climax though. If it happens it happens and you don’t want to spank too hard or too long in the hopes of creating one or to give her the feeling that she will be displeasing you if she cannot climax.

Feedback during a spanking
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During a spanking like this, it is very important to get feedback from her as to how she is taking it. One thing I like to do is to have the woman thank me when I give her the “perfect” spank. A simple “Thank you, Master” after the stroke does not put her in charge of the spanking at all. In fact, it will probably make her feel more submissive to you as you are the one who decides if she gets another spank of equal intensity or if it is time to push her to the next level. On your part, it is very reassuring to get this feedback from her as you can let go of any thoughts that you are “hurting” her or going too far beyond what she can endure.
Another idea is to tell her to lift up her behind to the paddle as if welcoming its stroke. If you tell her this when the spanking is the most erotic for her, the next time she may unconsciously offer her bottom to you as a signal that she wants *more* of whatever you are doing to her.

Many doms have their sub count strokes. This has several advantages. First, it focuses their mind upon the activity. The more you shut down the mind, the deeper she can go into her submission and the more she will surrender control to you. The other advantage is that it lets you hear the tone of her voice so you can gauge how she is reacting to her spanking.

One point I’d like to make is that it’s very difficult to ask her if she is enjoying it as you are giving her some good spanks. First, it puts her back into her critically thinking mind which is NOT what you want to do. Also, most women become very non-verbal at times like this and it will be difficult for her to say much of anything. This next point is very important to understand. As the spanking escalates she both wants/doesn’t want harder spanks. After your hand falls and the sting is at its greatest, she may not want another one. However, just a few seconds later she does… After her spanking, she’ll probably be wondering if she could have taken more.

Your strength as a Master is essential in making this all work. She wants the sensations and at the same time knows they will be a challenge to her. She is depending upon your ability to read her without asking, and in your strength and confidence in bringing her to a peak experience.

Pushing limits
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As the spanking intensifies, you’ll reach the point where she’ll be close to being overloaded. Maybe a few ouches are escaping from her. Do NOT be afraid of them. If she was not taken slightly beyond what she wanted, she would not feel as if she was truly being spanked. Instead, it would feel to her like it was something done just for her.
It is essential to understand the pushing of her limits this way and touches upon a very meaningful part of her submission. She is taking the spanking for *you*. When you are getting close to her limits, she will find it helpful if you lovingly tell her, “Take it for me, sweetheart. Take a good spanking for your Master.” This will often push her deeper into subspace which will allow her to accept more sensation. It is both a gift she makes to you, as well being a wonderful display of her submission. She wants you to enjoy the freedom to spank her as hard as you may wish. This is an example of the balance inherent in both your roles. When spanking her you are feeling your dominance and she is feeling her submission.

To be able to push limits, you must do a lot of pondering as to your motivation and intent. There is much self-exploration to be done before you trust yourself enough to really let loose with your sub knowing it is what she wants and to be confident in yourself that you are not misusing her emotions toward you. To do so would be a complete betrayal of her love and trust in you and would have disastrous consequences.

Of course, in a loving relationship you want a balance between what you want and what she can handle and that is where much of the emotional connection and incredible thrill is to be found. A good spanking should be like a dance between the two partners with you in the lead and she accepting and following.

The Spankings Conclusion
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As the spanking is reaching its conclusion you may be hearing more “ouches” than moans of pure pleasure. Let me talk about the “ouches” for a moment. Many women want to be spanked to this point and would feel cheated if they did not reach this level. When she has to struggle to endure the sting, several things are happening. First is that to handle the increased intensity she will need to go deeper into her submissive feelings. She is taking the spanking for *you* and an “ouch” is proof of that. This is much more important if the spanking is given as a “punishment” to correct her behavior than in a pleasure spanking which is for both your enjoyment. At the same time, an “ouch” is a challenge of her, it test her ability to transform the sensation into something more pleasurable.
Never underestimate the pride a submissive woman takes in being able to absorb these kinds of sensations. It is part of her being a good slavegirl which is something she wants to be. It is inseparably linked to her love for you. She longs to give *you* pleasure by her submission and if she senses that you truly enjoy spanking her (and I hope you do) she wants to be able to take as much as you want to give.

At this point, you may want to slow down or even stop the spanks and resume some light caresses, enjoying the warm glow of her bottom while continuing to stroke her pussy so you can let some of the sting go away and at the same time build back up her level of sexual excitement. You may then want to resume the spanking or give her a climax in any number of wonderful ways which I don’t think you need me to instruct you on!

More Intense Erotic Pain
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For many women, the spanking I described above would be considered very light and they crave something much more intense. Not all women have this desire for greater intensity and everyone’s response is different. What they took one day they may not be able to approach the next. It all depends on their mental, emotional and physical state at the time. It does seem to be a rule that the deeper they are in subspace the more they can handle.
This is a subject that you need to talk about in great detail with your slavegirl and to explore very slowly and carefully with. I won’t get into the subject of safewords as a signal on when the sub is approaching or has reached her limits, but it’s something you need to research.

Here’s an excerpt from a conversation that talks a little about how the perception of “pain” varies for everyone.

Why do you enjoy pain?
I don’t really experience it as pain. Somehow the neurons cross and what starts out as pain becomes interpreted as pleasure.
Even when it is very hard?
Especially when it is very hard… The allowing of the very hard, seems to speed the transition to pleasure. A soft spank is not nearly as pleasurable as a hard spank, unless I know that a hard one is going to follow. I *feel* the pain on my bottom, but by the time it travels up to my brain, it *feels* great. It’s only when it’s really hard that I know I have truly given up control. I do like to feel that my spanker has my best interests at heart as well as taking his own pleasure…

If you have difficult as a Master in creating the intensity of sensation that your sub desires, here are a few things to think about that may help. First, go at your own pace. It is always better to do less than more. Watch her reactions to what you are doing to her. See how wet she is… Though she may not be able to verbally communicate this to you at the time, watch her body language and listen to the tone of her moans. If her body is pulling away from you, you may want to slow down. If she is making herself more available to the paddle she maybe non-verbally saying she wants more.

Some women have the ability to climax while being given an intense sensation like a caning with no other sexual touching at all. Once you see how intensely pleasurable it is for them you will become more relaxed with what is happening. After all, the goal here is the pleasure of both parties. Everything must be consensual and there should never by any harm done to her body save a few stripes or bruises which she will probably love admiring and showing off as proof of her submission to you and the pride in knowing what she took to get them.

Ideas on creating Erotic Pain
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If your sub loves spankings, try placing her on her back with her legs widespread. Kneel beside her and using your hand, give her some light spanks on her mound and vulva. (If she is shaved, this works even better!) Start light and let the intensity slowly increase. Check her reaction. You may find that a combination of hard spanks followed by some quick and lighter spanks over her vulva and clit can result in a very intense climax for her.
Nipple clips are usually the first item to be attached to your sub during the start of a scene. If adjustable, they can provide a slight pinch which can be increased as her arousal grows. There are some designs that have bells attached to each nipple clip which is a wonderfully erotic reminder that she is your pleasure slave.

LIMITS & RULES
The Desire for Structure
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A submissive woman often craves more “structure” in her life and there can be many reasons for this. If her parents acted inconsistently with her, it can often created the longing to know where she stands in relation to them and what is expected from her. Never knowing what is acceptable and what is not can be a very confusing situation for a child. By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.

Testing Limits
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Setting rules and limits for your slavegirl is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for. As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs — even unconsciously — to test her limits. This is an extremely important point. If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care. She can’t feel safe within your limits, if the limits are not there or are vague.
This testing process is something that never really stops though at first she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through. The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.

A submissive woman *wants* a strong Master, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed. It’s almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is. The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Masters are not “strict” enough. Inconsistency on your part is see by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak man.

Be Consistent
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Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told. If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real.
If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real. It’s like saying you don’t care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.

Some Examples of Rules and Limits
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The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself.
I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better. This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them. Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs. I think you’ll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in “assisting” her to accomplish them.

Household chores are a good starting point. Make a list of daily chores for her and see that they are done such as making the bed, all kitchen dishes put away, etc. Hold frequent inspections. Remember, she will need to test you very much at first and only when she feels sure she’ll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it — which will be a tremendous relief to her.

Here is a quote that shows the subs desire for having rules: “I am very good at “rules”……..I like to feel like the man has control in many ways. Not in my work life or who I can talk to and such but in our personal relationship. Little things like what I am to wear when with him….or certain behaviors I am supposed to follow…..my dom used to have me kneel as soon as we were alone together, and riding in the car I was to always have my skirt hiked up. “

SPANKINGS & DISCIPLINE
It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline. She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them. If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for. Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you. It makes your control of her very real.
There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment. Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it’s clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the “punishment” aspect is just a pretense.

Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment. For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don’t want them to be associated with a “punishment” in any form.

However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this. We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub. If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.

Due to societies generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so “strange” or “weird”. It is often not an easy admission to make, so it’s much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to “earn” a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.

The Desire to be Perfect
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There is a tendency in some submissive women to be “perfect”. Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that’s something to be aware of. I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy.
Here is a quote that illustrates this point: “I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn’t sure if it was just another way to test limits… or the thought of the luxury of having something to “make” me do the things I really want to do anyway… but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way. “I have very high expectations for myself… I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful…but I think given these “gifts” that they should be utilized to the fullest extent…”

A submissive woman like this wants to be “pushed” into making a greater effort with herself. She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality. To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment. As her Master, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her. You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals. If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was “bad”, but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself. In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.

Here is a quote from a woman who loves the thought of being punished for not meeting her own standards of behavior for herself.

“One of my fantasies is to have someone in my life just for the purpose of correcting my faults. He would make me keep a list of all my misbehaviors. Being lazy at work, or late. Eating junk food, or not going to the gym. Being rude to people unnecessarily. I would have to keep a list, and once a week he would come and read the list. Or more. And he would make me describe each incident, he would lecture me about it, he would establish a separate punishment for each offense on the list. And I would be told over and over what I’m being punished for, or would be required to recite it to him. Twelve swats of the paddle for this. Six strokes of the cane for that, you know. He would read them off the list in random order, call me out of the corner at any moment to take my next licking, send me back to the corner afterwards.”

This is one of my favorite quotes because it so clearly illustrates the connection between behavior and its punishment. There is no doubt in her mind on why she is being punished and she accepts her punishment knowing how much it will help her to improve her behavior in the future.

For a sub, it is quite a luxury to have a disciplinarian in their life and to not have to rely solely on their own will-power. We all have chores to do that are not particularly enjoyable and if left undone it weighs on our minds and becomes a burden. As her Master, you can provide the “incentive” she needs to get what needs to be done finished and out of the way so it does not hang over her and drain her energy.

The thought and anticipation of being punished for not doing something is often extremely exciting and this enables the sub to tap into her sexual energy to complete her chores. For example, scrubbing the kitchen floor is not much fun but the knowledge that she’s in for a good spanking if it’s not completed can add tremendous sexual energy to her task.

You can also assist her in this by telling her that her work will be “inspected” and if not found adequate she’ll be disciplined. By the way, the word “inspection” is a very *hot* trigger for most subs. Knowing her work will be reviewed helps her to focus on the task at hand to do the kind of quality job she really wants to do but has to struggle with finding sufficient energy.

Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness
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Another aspect of being “punished” is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed “guilt” over her behavior. This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical. This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention.
When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being “bad”), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.

Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings
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Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one. In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear. Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them. If it helps, set time deadlines so she can’t claim she was “just going to do it.”
Another caution here about being consistent. If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles. She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* — this is extremely important.

Preparing her for Punishment
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A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her.
Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable. Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment. You may want to have her strip in advance and go to the corner to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse. Or, you may want to have her place herself face down on the bed with a pillow under her hips and paddle beside her. If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you come into the room and then check her for wetness.

You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future. This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was “bad” or displeased you for not getting it done.

The focus of a punishment spanking is less on her pleasure (even though it will at least initially be very exciting) so you may want to give her less of a warm up than usual before increasing the intensity of the spanking. If you tell her in advance how many strokes she is to be given it may help her to endure the spanking knowing when the end will come. If this is the second spanking for the same offense, be sure to increase the number of spanks so she gets the idea that a future lapse will be met with more severity.

As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it’s up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner! The point I’m making here is that even though this is “punishment” there’s no reason it can’t end in pleasure for her. After all, she has been “punished” and all is forgiven.

Some alternate punishments may be requiring her to write a certain number of punishment lines. This is more of a childhood punishment but is very effective as it has less eroticism connected with it than a spanking.

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR SLAVEGIRL (in ways she’ll love)
Here are some suggestions on how to enjoy your slavegirl, get your way, and at the same time emphasize the depths of her submission.

Exploring Embarrassment
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One wonderful aspect of d/s is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety. When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled. When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles. Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her. As her Master, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible.
Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another. One point to keep in mind is not to intrude upon the privacy of other people who do not understand the kinds of exploration that goes on in a d/s relationship. Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one that knows the real reason she is acting as she is.

Positions
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There is a direct connection between your subs physical position and her mental/emotional state. Kneeling before you will instantly put her in a submissive state. Have fun exploring positions and be sure she maintains the proper position and keeps good posture at all times.
If you are relaxing on the couch reading or watching TV, call her over to you, perhaps you will use a “pet” name for her as a signal that she is now your slavegirl and has no choice but to obey. Tell her to kneel at your feet for awhile and that she is not to move or speak until given permission. Have her pay attention to her posture, and if she slouches give her a correction of some kind. Perhaps putting her over your lap for a few quick spanks before having her resume her position or by simply giving her nipples a few pinches. Of course, the next time she gets careless with her posture, the correction will be a bit stronger. In this way, she will know that she is there just for you and that though you don’t feel it necessary to be actively engaged with her, she also knows that you are paying attention to her and are enjoying her company.

Another suggestion would be to put her on shoulders and knees in front of you and bare her bottom. She is your slavegirl and if you want to enjoy her feminine charms you may at any time. You might also tell her to reach back and spread her cheeks so you can better enjoy the sight of your little pleasure slave. If you wish, tease her a little with some caresses and then go back to your book or television program.

One of my favorite activities is to have a crop handy and on occasion to give her a few nice swats for no reason other than you enjoy seeing a few stripes on her cheeks. She will LOVE this and it makes clear that you enjoy giving her these sensations as much as she loves receiving them. I’m sure you will notice an instant sexual reaction to being subject to your control in this way. Crops are wonderful because not only can you redden her bottom with them, you can also use them to tease and caress her pussy. Alternate a few more strokes with pleasuring her and then as a wonderful embarrassment, moisten the tip of the crop with her wetness and gently press it against her lips and have her lick it clean. In this way, she has to admit to herself how excited she is by what you are doing to her. You are reminding both her and yourself of how much she loves being your slavegirl and she no longer has to “hide” the intensity of her sexual reactions to being your slave.

Focusing her Attention
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To send her even deeper in her submission, focus her attention. For example, while she is still on shoulders and knees, balance the crop across her hips and tell her she is to not let it fall. So now, not only is she in this sexual and submissive position, but she must concentrate on obeying *your* command and this lets her focus on you and allows her to demonstrate just how important obeying you is to her. Of course, I don’t need to tell you what should happen if she does squirm and let’s the crop fall, do I? The only question here is does she get just six strokes or twelve?
A very erotic example of focusing her attention is to instruct her to keep her nipples hard for you during a specific playtime.

Focusing her attention on you is very important for it let’s her draw on her real desire to please you by being a good slavegirl. This is both a challenge to her and also something she very much wants to do. Much of the formality of d/s is to find ways you can both very clearly express your care for each other.

A Sweet Torment
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Another very exciting idea is to place her in this shoulders and knees position and to play with her sexually. Enjoy her slight moans of pleasure for awhile and then firmly tell her she is not to make any sound at all as you continue to tease and caress her. Be very clear that if she breaks your rule, there will be a consequence… Such a sweet torment, isn’t it? If she reaches the level of excitement where she does let a moan of pleasure escape her, you have the choice of going back to your book for a time leaving her to await your touch or to “punish” her with a nice spanking before resuming. This is the kind of spanking that I personally love the most. It is a “punishment” for moaning, but it is also for her pleasure and yours. Of course, the spanking will only excite her all the more and make it even more difficult to keep silent as you instructed — but that’s the whole idea!

Ice
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Since I like this image so much, I’ll continue a bit further! The next time she moans, have her bring you some ice cubes and then get back in position. If her bottom is sufficiently warm at this point slowly rub the ice cube over her reddened cheeks. For many women, this is an exquisite sensation.
Just a quick aside here… this is a good example of something she may *want* to experience but cannot ask for. This is where your strength, initiative and creativity as a Master all come into play. Don’t be afraid to experiment with giving her new sensations.

As the ice becomes smoother, rub it slowly over her inner lips and pussy. You may chose to insert it into her vagina or if it is sufficiently small and smooth slide it slowly into her tight little bottom.

Asking Permission
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Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission. The more of her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase.
One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom. This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both. If she blushes, it’s a good sign!

If you take her out to a restaurant take away her menu and decide on her meal yourself. This will not only increase her submission to you, but also relieves her of having to make a decision for herself.

Another very romantic and even more embarrassing experience for her would be to order nothing for her and then feed her from your own plate. From time to time, place a tasty morsel on your fork and have her lean forward to take it from your hand. I think this is a very sweet way for her to feel close and dependent upon you.

It’s very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission. She is “allowed” pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her. It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.

Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission. By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.

You may want to try holding her right at the edge of a climax and then order her to come for you in a commanding tone of voice. You may find this has a remarkable effect. Some women have the ability to be trained to climax on command and there are various techniques that can be used to accomplish this though I won’t go into them in this document.

Pulling her Hair
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One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled. Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience. For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction. Call her over to you and caress her hair for a moment before gathering it up in your hands before firmly pulling her face toward you for a passionate kiss — she will melt in a puddle on the floor!

Treating her as a Cherished Pet
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Many submissive women love being treated as a pet. We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet — not at all degrading. Pet’s are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren’t they?
Try this on a special evening together. Have her undress and kneel before you. Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it. Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission. Instead, she must meow and purr to you.

One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her. Perhaps, if your loved pet is in “heat”, have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention. Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure…

It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand. Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place. As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture. Perhaps you’ll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap…

A theme such is this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives. It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of children.

Anal Play
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For some women, anal play is the ultimate in submission and pleasure. Because of the privacy and intimacy of the area, it is very difficult for her to ask for you to touch her there. This is another time when your authority as her Master to do whatever you wish no matter how embarrassing it may be for her is essential. Talk to her about her feelings on this matter. If she admits a desire for anal stimulation, suspect that she may enjoy your playing with her there much more than she may be able to admit. As always, this is something you should have many conversations about. There are some women who absolutely hate any type of anal play.
Not only is slipping a well lubricated finger into her bottom erotic, it is also a tremendous reminder that she has lost all privacy with you and creates a strong reminder of her submission to you. To bring this to her attention, I like to make the sub play an active part in this intimate surrender by having her squeeze my finger.

Anal play most often includes the use of a bottom plug which is a wonderful way to keep her in a submissive role while going about her chores around the house or even out in public. Keep in mind that for her wearing a bottom plug is not a punishment, but a wonderful reward.

Here is a story related to me that will give you an idea of how exciting the idea of being submissive in public can be and how it can be done in a way that does not intrude on anyone’s privacy (except hers!).:

“Dinner… fancy restaurant. All dressed up. You order. He hands you a present…beautifully wrapped…tells you not to open it yet… Instructs you take it with you to the restroom. Open it and do as the written instructions say…also to bring back your panties for him… inside of course is a plug….which you are to insert. You then of course have to carefully bunch your panties into your hand or purse and carry them back to him and discreetly hand them over…all the while filled from the plug….and if wearing thigh highs feel your naked flesh against the booth Of course the evening must end with a delicious, erotic spanking…. Maybe in the car in the parking lot…for starters.

SUMMARY
I’ll end with a few important reminders.

– Make this a REAL experience for your slavegirl.
– Be STRONG for her — she is depending on you.
– BE CONSISTENT and don’t be afraid to be strict.
– Constantly work to improve your communication.
– Assume you have NO idea how important her submission is to her.
– Love her with all your heart and soul.

~Author Unknown

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8 Responses to Having a D/s Relationship – Why She Wants to Be Submissive

  1. grantahelms says:

    Thanks for all the helpful advice Kinky. I am new to this lifestyle, and see that I have already made several small mistakes.

  2. Some dude says:

    O man it would just like to thank you for helping me understand what the hell I am doing . That I’m not crazy . And what me and my new lover are doing is fine . I’ve never done anything like this before and me and her have just gotten into it . A lot of what you said I’m already doing ha . But I really wanted to try to understand and get another perspective . This was the first article I ever read about this stuff . Thanks dude !!! You’ve really helped me out

  3. Hirvaz says:

    No.

    This is all about being a whiny bitch wanting to play-pretend being a submissive, lest a slave, but instead hanging on to the all-female-I-must-be-in-control- crap. Stupidity, that is.

    You obey, you take it as it is – or you leave, on your own (not disregarding any legal implications, regarding property or such).

    If your man is unwilling to take this route, he is insecure. That is a good reason for him to go on a prowl for a woman or women that do not make him so.

    Your emotions matter not.

    • Kuro says:

      WTF, no, D/s is about this, whoever taught you is wrong as hell or into that BDSM play. My MASTER yes he earned that title from 15 years in training how to properly be who he is. A titled and official Master . This isn’t play this is about the closeness of a TPE (total power exchange), YOUR EMOTIONS MATTER A HELL OF A ALOT, Master is there to make you happy, a happy pet is a content pet is a happy Master because pet will want to please him in every aspect or learn what pet did wrong. I act like that TO HIM ALONE, anyone else i’m your worst nightmare so watch who you’re calling a whinny bitch and an insecure Master I do not just OBEY, yes i agree most master and doms are like that but alot actually care about their pets, if he does something I don’t like we talk about it or he’ll notice something is wrong with me and find out what it is.

      • Well, first of all, I didn’t write this, and second, I think we need to remember that there’s more than one way to do D/s ;-)

        I do agree that any top/dom/master who doesn’t take his sub’s feelings into account is a fool who will soon end up alone, but there is more than one way of doing this ;-)

        • Kuro says:

          That is true, but to insult it the way that they did was uncalled for badly. So I stepped up, did mention MY so not as to make it seem as if the way it should be done. The way this is written doesnt make a SUb a whinny little bitch, it makes them stronger

  4. littleannab says:

    Reblogged this on Little Anna B (Diamond Eyes) and commented:
    this is from a 2010 post but i really thought it was well written

  5. Missexysub says:

    I enjoyed the article and most things ring true for a lot of subs myself included. My Master and I are doing most of these things mentioned. I think it is always useful to read and learn more everyday as a sub and as a Master.

Comments are closed.