Brand New Blog Site Up!

My new blog site is up and running!  It’s still under construction with kinks to work out, and my forest of links has not yet been ported over there, but the doors are open for business.

Why the change?  Well, I’ve been wanting to make the move for a while now, because a self-hosted blog has many advantages over this free platform, Continue reading

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Neutral Evil: The Problem With Refusing To Decide

This is why it’s really essential that we not only allow victims of rape and abuse to publicly name their violators, but actually need to encourage them (us) to do so.

Some ideas are powerful in human history, and keep coming up from people with very different belief systems in very different times and places:

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must – at that moment – become the center of the universe.”

Elie Wiesel, Night

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that…

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A Letter to the New Girlfriend of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde

On the new blog at, also known as

A Letter to the New Girlfriend of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde

Comments here are now closed.  Please view the post in the new blog at the link above if you would like to comment.

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Can You Face Her In the Morning (How to Assault People Less)

A great repost from a Fetlifer on how to avoid being the douchebag this blog warns people to watch out for.  You can read it on the new version of this blog.

Please subscribe while you’re there!

And thanks for understanding and being patient with the redirects as I get things moved over.

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It’s Got to Stop! No Matter the Price

The epidemic of domestic violence and sexual assault has got to stop – and the taboos that drive victims underground and silence them have simply got to be broken, no matter the cost that some of us will pay to make things change.

I just got the news that a close friend of a high school classmate just lost her daughter to an abusive husband who stabbed her to death and then turned a shotgun on his own self in Hurricane, West Virgina, reported in their local paper.

And another friend, seriously injured and then dumped by her ex who refused to take responsibility for fracturing her hyoid bone and causing a thyroglossal duct tumor complication that subsequently resulted in extensive surgery that removed, among other structures, a chunk of her tongue, is now having to deal with this self-same ex nonconsensually trumpeting his innocence all over the Fetlife airwaves – and exposing all kinds of private personal and professional information about her.  The injury was caused by nonconsensual garotting of her until she was unconscious – and she’s got plenty of medical and other documentation.  She says he has also threatened to out her with compromising pictures to her employer – which would undoubtedly result in her losing her job.

Speaking out against domestic violence, whether vanilla or kinky, and whether your own or that of another, has a price.  Any price at all is too high, but we have got to stand together and make whatever sacrifices we must to ensure the safety of all, especially women, whose voices have far too often been silenced about too many things, especially our rights to control our own bodies and be free from this sort of threat and coercion.

I am at least encouraged to see the increasing number of people posting online about their experiences, coming out of the closet, if you will, refusing to let their abusers cowe them into silence any more, refusing to continue to protect them the way the silence and taboos have done for as long as I can remember.

The problem survives at least in part because of the silence.  Perpetrators know they can get away with whatever they do because their victims are often too afraid of them to even report their own assaults, and because they are so seldom prosecuted when they do come to light.

Speak up, speak out – and listen to understand when someone you know tells you they are a victim of domestic violence, even when it’s cloaked in the armor of D/s.  Help the person get help – do not judge them.

Other than yourself, if you are a victim, the person you save might be your own best friend.  She will certainly be the best friend (and daughter, mother, etc.) of someone else.

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Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Why do those of us who are abused have to change everything, why are our abusers believed and not us? Why are the victims of abuse so often revictimized repeatedly by the courts and everyone else?
New post up at

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Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Why do those of us who are abused have to change everything, why are our abusers believed and not us? Why are the victims of abuse so often revictimized repeatedly by the courts and everyone else?
Comments have been disabled here.  Please click the link above and make your comments there.  Thank you very much!
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Blaming the Victim of Lying About Harm Done to Her

I’ve got a new blog post up on the new version of my site at about abusers blaming their victims of lying when they speak out about what happened to them.

Please visit over there to read it and comment; comments are closed here.



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Test – This Is Only a Test

Test, test, to see if this comes through on Twitter and the new Abuse and BDSM page on Facebook.

Posted in Administrative Matters | 2 Comments

Sociopaths in the Scene

“What is a sociopath?

“Someone without conscience, empathy, or remorse for having harmed someone by their words or deeds. They live to suit themselves and use people in the power games that form the core of their lives. These people are often diagnosed as having Antisocial Personality Disorder (Stout, 2005).”   -Ponygroom

Ponygroom has written a very nice piece about sociopaths in the scene, complete with a very good list of books about the subject.  You can read his post and the subsequent comments in a thread in the group of the same name on Fetlife at

As I pointed out in a comment there, this is only one way in which abuse can manifest itself, and the article is not complete in terms of what constitutes a sociopath, nor do the examples provide a particularly complete picture, but between the article itself and some of the other comments, it’s a good start on one of the more common patterns that underlie abusive behavior.  At some point, I may go into more detail, but I don’t have the energy right now.

Bottom line – sociopaths don’t care about you, no matter what they say, even if they are the type who will at least apologize for harming you when they see that it is in their better interest to do so. Most simply won’t apologize at times you’d expect a normal person to do so – and they won’t apologize for not apologizing if you call them on it, either.  If they do, it will be obviously insincere.

Get out once you identify this kind of pattern going on, because nothing is ever going to change.

These people are snakes of the first water, and you will absolutely never win trying to negotiate with them.  They will twist and distort everything you say, and change their own stories time and time again, and even go out of their way to make you think that you are the crazy one (gaslighting), to the point that you will end up apologizing to them when they have hurt you!

Another little trick they often play is warning others about how you may be lying about them and their behavior – another little device to undermine you and pull the support over to their side.

If you know someone (A) who has been abused, and the person they accuse (B) starts telling you things like you are going to start hearing lies from (A) about (B), think twice before believing (B).

This is an absolutely classic technique for undermining a victim and turning people against her.  Chances are extremely good that this person is in fact the abuser they are accused of being, mounting an offensive in advance, in an attempt to discredit his victim, before he can be busted, which he knows darn well is coming.  He knows he will end up looking really bad (and rightfully so) unless he can discredit her first, before she gets to their friends.

I’m not talking about people who, in the course of a normal conversation about the subject, may disclose that their ex has been spreading lies about them, but particularly about the ones who actually go out of their way to make this kind of announcement, possibly even in public, often in the absence of any reasonable context.

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