Can’t Get Rid of It…

Why can’t I get rid of this lust? This need?  This craving?

Despite abusive relationships and swearing I’ll never go near D/s or anything like it again on more than one occasion, I am still continually drawn back to… whatever it is about wiitwd that draws me and keeps me.  I’ve been saying that I’m going to go back to vanilla, but the thought is like death.  I’m afraid I’ll really be buried alive.

Reading Dreamwalker’s blog started reminding me of the kind of connection I’ve always sought, that I’ve missed so very much for so long, that showed in bits and pieces with R, but too quickly turned to dust because of…  well, because.  Because as amazing of a lover as he was, and as “charming” as he seemed initially, he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) control himself in a way that kept me safe in any way.  Mr. Hyde won out, once he surfaced, and I finally had to face that that was who R really is, not the wonderful guy I thought I’d found initially (at least when I was able to ignore the red flags)…

And that’s no way to have a life or a relationship.  I can’t live walking on eggshells all the time.  I’m starting to learn more about why I put up with his shit for so long, but I digress…

I no longer believe that D/s is a particularly healthy relationship paradigm, since it’s now clear to me that too many doms in particular use it as a cover for abuse – but I can’t get away from it completely either.  I thought for a while I could survive just on the hot sex because it was rough enough and truly amazing enough, but I don’t know that that’s really true.  It’s gone now, anyways, and I don’t expect I’ll find his equal in that department the rest of my life.  The tradeoff was ultimately not worth it any more, though.  The bad pain (both physical and emotional) eventually drowned out everything that was good.  The honeymoon phases seemed to get shorter and shorter…

I didn’t think it was a pure sadist I wanted, especially after him, but Dreamwalker’s posts and insights into the sadistic mind echo so much of what I set out to find when I first formulated the concept of needing a sexually dominant man, much more so than that of a dominant. I’ve always known I needed pain, long before I even came up with the notion of a dominant man.  It was the taking of it, the roughness of it, that drew me from the start.  I’m not submissive in everyday life.  I’m just not, and I don’t like putting up with things I really dislike.  It’s hot sometimes,and I really do love being with a strong, competent man who is able to lead in ways that I respect and am willing to follow.  I miss that a lot, even though I don’t miss the abusiveness at all.   I hope I can find that again with someone who is better balanced emotionally and psychologically.  I would love to have that back in my life again, as long as it didn’t come with all of the attached strings…

But what I’m really after is that same intensity of sensation and eroticism of which Dreamwalker speaks.  The surrender to it may be the submissive element I’ve felt that’s led me to identify as “submissive”.  I may have had the terms mixed up – and that’s why “bottom” hasn’t seemed to fit, either.  But somehow, “masochist” isn’t exactly the best full descriptor for me by itself, either.  It’s that pushing he speaks of that is the “forcing” I’ve always felt I needed – so it is indeed a dominant sort of thing,  but somehow, taking D/s out of the equation may be the way to find it better.

And perhaps if dominance is removed as part of the paradigm, I’ll be able to find someone who doesn’t confuse being a control freak with dominance, and with whom I’ll really be able to have that more truly equal relationship tempered with the roughness and pain I also need, and the handing over of a certain amount of control but not all – a better balance.

Then again, X is clearly much more of a pure sadist than a dominant, particularly given his lack of self-control, and that sure as hell was not entertaining at all, and not something I’d ever sign up for again for any reason.  Perhaps the difference is that the model of which Dreamwalker speaks is one that respects the bottom/masochist/submissive’s limits in ways that X never did – the difference between truly consensual sadism vs the nonconsensual variety that really does not give a shit about the woman’s needs.  Dreamwalker’s sadism is one that revels in the gift the woman gives him, unlike X, who believes he is entitled to it, no matter what his own behavior.  There’s a difference, very definitely.

This entry was posted in Abuse and BDSM, Bottoming, Dominance, masochism, Personal, sadism and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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