Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People


Post by epiphany, with original behavior list by Saikiji Kitalpha from Second Life (reposted with permission).  Permission to repost is granted by the original author, provided these attributions are included.  Thanks to Robert Rubel for the correction and update.

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“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact SOMEBODY!

###Red Flags:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?

2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.

3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.

4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.

5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.

6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.

8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.

9) Consistently breaks promises.

10) Always finds excuses for not meeting.

11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.

12) Does not take personal responsibility.

13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.

15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

17) Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

18) Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.

20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

21) Puts you down in front of other people.

22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.

23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.

24) Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.

27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

28) Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.

29) Belittles your ideas.

30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.

31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

35) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

36) Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.

37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

38) Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

39) Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

41) Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.

42) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone [especially their partners – added by klg].

By epiphany, and original behavior list by Saikiji Kitalpha of Second Life (reposted with permission)

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Comments are now closed on this site.  Please go to the same post on the new version of my blog at http://kinkylittlegirl.net/2010/07/28/red-flags-and-dating-tips-for-kinky-people if you’d like to make a comment, which I very much welcome.  Thank you!

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3 Responses to Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People

  1. Pingback: How to avoid problem people | Libida

  2. Robert Rubel says:

    Actually, this excellent post was copied from BlogSpot where it was initially posted by a woman named Epiphany. In her blog, she urged people to copy and distribute what she had written, but requested that anyone reproducing the list also give credit to Saikiji Kitalpha from Second Life for having created the behavior list in the first place.

    In fact, I have also used (and cited) this material in my forthcoming book, “Exploring the Magical Worlds of BDSM: Your guide to play, parties, and kinky relationship” that should be out by March 2014.

  3. Pingback: Bdsm Bad Advice | Afentra.com

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