Pushing Past Hard Limits

From The Mistress Manual, in a post decrying Mo’s rape:

A Dominant pushing past hard limits, ignoring the sub’s refusal, has just crossed over from BDSM into the very different, very ugly world of rape and sexual abuse.

Dom/mes need to hear this too, need to hear that pushing someone past their stated limits is not being one badass hawt tough Master or Mistress, it’s being a fucking asshole rapist. Your honor as a trustworthy, skillful Dominant is on the line. You deliberately violate a sub’s consent, you’ve lost that honor. You’ve joined the ranks of leering, pawing sexual abusers. Don’t do that.

Because Lorelei is right, and this needs to be repeated everywhere.

And because someone in particular who also badly needs to hear it, from someone else other than me, is still reading this blog for reasons I know not, and won’t find this on his own otherwise.

I’d add that pushing too much past soft limits is in the same category.

This entry was posted in Abuse - General, Consent, How to spot an abuser and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Pushing Past Hard Limits

  1. Regyna Longlank says:

    Pushing people past their stated limits is in itself a kink. People who are into it should find subs who are also turned on by such play. If they are unable to fulfill their needs within the bounds of consensual play, and they need to push people past their stated limits in order to be turned on, then as you say, they have crossed into being an abuser and a rapist, and should seek immediate psychological evaluation and therapy.

  2. Amen.

    And if that is indeed their kink, and their partner isn’t into it, until such time as they actually change partners, such doms owe the one they’re with adherence to their stated limits, whether the dom likes doing so or not.

    Unfortunately, the ones who most need the help you suggest are far and away the least likely to know it – or get it. Sadly, some of them actually end up in positions of community leadership, too, where they are doubly dangerous.

    • Regyna Longlank says:

      A Dom/me that wants to get past my hard limits is going to have to respect them for a very long time before I trust them enough to even consider such a thing. Anyone who doesn’t understand that deserves to lose every decent sub they find.

      • I could not agree more.

        It is a terrible shame that so many doms seem to think that pushing limits is something it’s OK to do without fully building that base of trust, or think that it’s built in a matter of weeks or months, particularly if violations before have disrupted it badly.

        It is absolutely heartbreaking when such lack of understanding and haste destroy an otherwise promising relationship.

  3. Regyna Longlank says:

    I couldn’t agree more. It is sad to think that I cannot play with anyone whose impact and intensity levels don’t match mine exactly. My experience has been that if I do they will eventually slip and do it anyway, or complain that I am boring and no fun. I am of the mind that we should be able to find common ground regardless. Sadly it seems unless I am willing to change or accept things I don’t enjoy that is not the case.

    I am not saying everyone is like that, or that those kinds of practices are even BDSM at all. I know it is possible to do it right. It’s just not clear to me what happens when it goes wrong.

  4. Pingback: More on Rape and Abuse « KinkyLittleGirl – On Abuse and BDSM

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