More great thoughts from Kitty Stryker, and a whole host of commentary from other community members about the topic of rape, (sexual) assault, victim blaming, and tolerating abuse in the kink community, and what we should do about it. If you haven’t seen her prior posts, you can find links to them here. Simone Webb of Blogwasred has some other interesting commentary about comparing rape to a car crash, and in a repeat of prior linkages, Mollena Williams has also spoken eloquently on the problem in her blog, and in her duplicate post on Fetlife that so far has garnered 415 comments in addition to the 92 on her blog. There are many more, and I’ve linked to many of them in prior posts and in the links section of this blog.
Maymay is right: “If speaking up means breaking the rules, let’s fucking break them”.
The system is broken, and is thankfully starting to come apart at the scenes (oops, typo, but I’ll let it stand as the Freudian slip/double entendre it apparently is), er, uh, seams, thanks to fearless bloggers like these who are well enough known in the community to be able to reach a lot of eyeballs. Awareness is growing; we need to keep the pressure on and continue working to interconnect those of us who are speaking out.
These posts are pretty dense in cross links, and the threads long, but I urge you to read as much of them as possible – and join Fetlife to do so for the ones that are posted there, if you aren’t already a member. You can do so for free, and anonymously, and need not participate in anything else other than to read if you don’t want to.
It’s not just rape that’s a problem, though. It’s assault and battery as well – the violations of limits during play of other types. It’s pushing past hard limits, or even repeatedly exceeding softer ones when the bottom protests. All of it gets a victim demonized in the community for speaking up. We need to quit pussy-footing around these issues and start calling them what they are. And what they are are violations of consent – and rape, etc.
If someone hits you without your consent, or does anything else to you that you did not freely agree to, and you object to it, you have been assaulted and battered, if not also raped. If it’s fully negotiated and mutually agreed to, all well and good – except that consent can still quite legally be withdrawn at any point. If the top continues on the same path after being told to stop, by any means you choose to use to do so, then he’s well over the line of nonconsent and into assault and/or battery.
Watch this space for definitions of the various terms used in the context of rape, sexual assault, sexual battery, domestic violence, etc. I’ll be posting the actual statutes as well.
(I am not a lawyer and nothing in these posts should be construed as legal advice, consult your own attorney, yadda, yadda, yadda.)